Sleep
Most adults don’t get enough sleep, but I know that moms, particularly working moms, are never getting enough. During the school year, I always try to go to bed earlier, but it often doesn’t happen. I find myself grading late, replying to emails, helping my kids with homework, cleaning the house, or — if I’m lucky— binging on a TV show next to my husband while drinking a glass of red wine and snacking on a few dark chocolate almonds.
Retreat is different though. On retreat though, you can sleep in.No one will wake you up in the middle of the night needing anything. You can even nap. Rest is actually encouraged.
Tending to the inner self is hard work. St. Ignatius called it “spiritual exercise,” and it can make someone just as tired as a hard cardio workout.
Food
While I am not the cook in our house (thank you, thank you to my husband Mark for being better at it and enjoying cooking), I do most of the meal planning. I feel like our meals can get repetitive, and we get bored with our food.
My youngest started this mantra during the Covid pandemic: “What can I do? What can I eat?” Despite the fact that fruit is always out on the counter and we try to buy a multitude of healthy snacks that they can eat any time, somehow I’m still the person he comes to asking what’s for dinner or when dinner will be served.
On retreat, you don’t have to think about what anyone is eating, and you don’t have to plan anything. You just show up, and it’s all there ready and waiting for you. And if you don’t like what’s being served, you can bring your own snacks and food, and no one will steal them from you. You can binge or ration them, and they’re entirely safe.
You just have to bus your trays or plate; someone even does the dishes and wipes down the tables. It’s glorious!
Quiet
Let’s be honest; if you have kids (even furry kids), then your house is never quiet. I have two Australian shepherds, my kids have two cats, and I have three kids who are now ages 10, 12, and 14. You would think that since my kids are older, it would be quieter than when they were little. Nope. It’s just a different kind of noise. Different fights. Different types of media. Different questions. I live in a musical household (which I love), but it means that it’s a lot of music — singing, whistling, humming, playing. Sometimes it’s great. Other times, I just want to hear the TV.
The teacher in me is pretty convinced the “technology noise” is rewiring our brains, and it’s even harder now for school-aged children to sit, be still, and be quiet. It’s a skill that actually has to be taught now. (I actually teach reflection and silence with my students at the start of every class— although they may not realize that’s what I’m doing. I also work hard to teach it at home, and I’m trying to set up tech free spaces inside and outside.)
While I’ll admit, I DO bring technology on my retreats to write and text my family, I do try to keep the outside “noise” to a minimum. I don’t carry my phone with me unless it’s a long walk and I want it for safety or I intentionally want to take photos. On retreats, I don’t listen to podcasts or music unless I’m inspired to listen to a spiritual song. I let my school and photography clients know I’m unavailable with a vacation responder in my email, and I post on social media that I’m on retreat, hoping people get the cue to not text me and also asking if people have anything they want me to pray for. I set strict boundaries. (If a kid really wants to see me for a few minutes, I’ll let them have it once a day. It’s usually just I miss you and I love you, and I try to not worry about what they are or aren’t doing at home to keep myself in retreat mode.)
In my twenties, when I went on retreat, it was pre-kids and pre cell phones, and I went completely silent. There was no energy from the buzzing of technology, and it was stiller and silenter. It was glorious. I don’t feel like I can make the full cut yet because of the stages my kids are in. I need to be a bit more present, and this is my happy middle ground.I think God understands.
The silence and absence of outside “noise” in all forms lets your thoughts be the ones that come to the forefront instead of getting pushed away while you take care of everyone else. St. Ignatius talks about these as “interior movements,” and instead of feeling like you are just surviving, you allow yourself time to listen to what God wants for you to do. You get to focus on yourself and make yourself the best version possible. You start to thrive instead of just surviving.
Nourishment
If you are a parent, you know what it is like to fly with a child. At the start of any flight, the flight attendant will come up to you during the briefings to remind you to put on your own oxygen mask before you take care of your child. In real life, I know I’m terrible at taking care of myself first, but I know it is important to fill my cup so I have something to give.
I have lofty goals to workout, read, write, and journal my gratefuls every day. I even made my own personalized post-its with those items pre-printed on them. Do they happen daily even though they are printed on my to-do list? Of course not. I’m lucky if I get one of those goals in.
And what about the other goals I have? Like the water color painting virtual class I bought and the supplies I ordered in 2024? The adult coloring books? The multitude of books I bought for me that aren’t tied to what I’m teaching, work, or book club? What about the writing I want to do? Those things never happen.
If I can, I drive to retreats so my car can be an unofficial locker of books, athletic equipment, art supplies, and old journals. As I am inspired, I go to the car and grab something. My weights stay in the car, and I get some weightlifting exercises there. If weather is my friend, I try to get in a two-mile walk each day.
On my last retreat, I FINALLY pulled out my water color and started playing. I started watching my online class before I left, and I wasn’t great, but each day I improved. My time flew, and I played for the first time in forever. Remember, leisure in any form helps us get closer to God.
You & God Time
The silence, solitude, and leisure, as St. Ignatius said (according to Fr. Bill Noe, SJ), are the perfect ingredients for getting closer to God. Imagine that; God wants us to take time for us, where our basic needs are taken care of so we can spend time in leisure and in prayer and conversation with God.
In the last year, my life keeps getting busier and busier. I was drawn to the scripture “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). Slow down. Be still. Say no so you have less on your plate. Seriously, I have to tell myself, slow down, be still, and say no. And I still over-committ our lives.
I think there’s a reason I love my time volunteering in the ejidos of Mexico and the Winder River Reservation in Wyoming. Somehow, time feels slower for me in those places. God is closer in that slowness. Last summer, my family had the opportunity to travel to Italy. We went to Rome for a few days, but we spent about five days in a vacation rental house right off the Amalfi Coast in a town called Conca de Marini. It wasn’t one of the touristy places in Amalfi, and we all slowed down. We napped. We read. We watched the sea. We spent time together as a family. I felt God. It was amazing.
Another scripture that has also been powerful for me is from Psalm 23 verse 3: “he restores my soul.” There’s something interesting for me about that word “restore”, and I prayed a lot about it. There’s healing that happens when we take time for us.
The silent retreats are a time for us to be silent, spend some time in leisure, and use solitude to become more aware of God — whether it’s in nature, something we read, Mass, or what we feel stirring deep inside us.
Lucky for you, there are lots of retreats out there. The Office of Ignatian Spirituality offers a list of retreat centers — https://www.jesuitseastois.org/retreats — to help you out.
The Practical Advice
And moms, I know what you are going to say. Who will take care of my kids? That was always my worry as a military spouse who does not live near family. It’s actually why I waited until my kids were older and could be at home without a babysitter. But there are overnight camps. Some of you have family who would help out. Some of you have framily who would help and trade days. Some of you have a spouse who doesn’t use all of the vacation days. Figure out how to make it work — whether it’s three days, five days, or eight days, you’ll find yourself yearning for the opportunity again. Remember if you work outside of the home and they send you to a conference, you will make it work. So make this work, too. And if you are a stay-at-home mom, you REALLY need this. Look at the schedule of retreats. Ask your spouse to help.
You’ll return refreshed, having taken care of you. You will know how loved you are by God, and you’ll have more to give everyone you love. I promise.