Scheduling family time seems counter intuitive to many of us. I know I always want it to happen more organically, but I also realize that if I don’t block it out on our family digital calendar and put it in my planner someone will schedule something that day, and those opportunities will just slip away.
When my kids were younger, family time didn’t have to be scheduled because they had less activities, but as kids hit different stages of life, I HAVE to schedule our family time, and I’ve come to realize that’s completely OK. I feel like the more kids you have, the more complex it can be finding intentional family time and supporting their activities. For us, family time needs to happen for us all to bond and continue to strengthen our relationships, and as a working mom with three busy kids, I know I have to carve out that space just like I carve out time for prayer, for my health, or for dates with my husband.
As my kids get older and start adding their events to our calendar, blocking out these dates on our digital calendar signals to everyone that these days are sacred. They know: don’t schedule anything on these days because we are doing something together. We may not know what we are doing, but we are doing something together. It forces my entire family to be intentional.
Each year, I have a quest to slow down. I know what makes me feel better: real sleep, workout time, reading time, family time, prayer and journaling time, time in nature, dates with my husband, socializing with friends, time to just be at home resting. But our world is busy, and so many activities and opportunities are competing for our attention.
Boundaries are important. It has taken me a really long time to work on saying “no” to something and often I’m saying “not yet” or trying to explain to people my priorities so the eventual “no” doesn’t feel so harsh. When you are known to be good at something, when you are capable, and when you follow through, people want you to be a part of their teams — whether it is for a paid opportunity or volunteer opportunity. It’s important, though, to keep your priorities in check.
I have to ask myself when I am presented with an opportunity: Can I say yes to this and do everything else I have to do and the things I want to do that keep me feeling good?
Recently, I’ve been asked to take part in activities for the fall, but I don’t really know my fall obligations yet, which has forced me to say “not yet” or “no” to these opportunities. Would I like to have more spiritual direction directees? Yes. I love helping people notice how God is working in their lives and listening to God’s work in their life. Do I realistically have those hours in each month? I don’t know.
Would I love to teach my seventh grade son’s faith formation class? Yes! Can I do it and support my daughter if she is involved in theater at a D.C. high school and drive his younger brother to soccer practice? Maybe, but I don’t know my schedule yet for these activities. If she does get a role, my daughter may not be in the play. She may have rehearsal from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. four days a week or just one. I don’t know my son’s soccer schedule for practices or his game schedule.
Logistically, as the parent with the more flexible after-school schedule and who teaches at the school where my daughter wants to do theatre, that means chauffeur duties will most likely fall on me. Knowing how quickly my time can fill up, I have to stop and pause.
When you feel your family or personal schedule starting to fill up, it’s important to go back to your priority list and ask yourself this: Will saying yes or adding this activity keep me from those things I REALLY value? For me, it means asking myself if saying “yes” will impact my sleep, workout time, reading time, family time, prayer and journaling time, time in nature, dates with my husband, time to just be at home resting. If the answer is “yes” or “maybe,” then I know my answer has to be “no” or “not yet”.
St. Ignatius of Loyola said, “Whatever you are doing, that which makes you feel the most alive…that is where God is.” I know I feel God actively in those activities I prioritize. I feel alive and balanced. I feel joyful. I see the world in a more positive way. I am more grateful.
When my schedule and life gets too busy, even some of those good things I said yes to are draining. They make me tired. They keep me from being my best and force me to give up some of those things I know I need to do in order to feel whole and balanced.
I challenge you to pray with St. Ignatius’ quote. What makes you feel most alive? What do you need to do to feel your best? Make those your non-negotiables. Don’t let those other things infringe on them too much. Those non-negotiables are how you fill your cup so you have more to give. Life comes with so many wonderful opportunities, but if we do not put up boundaries to protect what is sacred, we will have missed the real purpose of life.
This year, we did something different to help us be more intentional with our family time. Realizing my kids were incredibly lucky and did not need more things and wanting to escape the pressure to put more “stuff” in our house, we decided to create a list of 52 activities for us to do together as a family during the year, and that was their “big” Christmas gift. Many of these activities were things we would have done anyway — going to a Cardinals game, traveling to North Carolina for our family vacation, playing Dungeons and Dragons or a board game, or hiking in a local state park. But putting them on a list has helped us stay accountable, and it made my kids see that these activities were gifts and sacred whether they were free or cost money. We didn’t have to do them.
I realized during my recent silent retreat that I needed to check our list on the fridge and see how we were doing at checking things off. Once the school year starts, weeks get so busy with sports and school, so some of our activities that we want to do — like hiking — have to get scheduled. I had to take inventory and make sure the things on our list still happened.
Family time is sacred. It’s a place where I see and experience God. Don’t be afraid of making it happen. Schedule the family time if you need to; I know I have to.
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